I met up with a new friend the other day who brought to light something that I hadn't considered before - what happens when a trailing spouse loses the identity as a mother, when their children leave home? As a child-free trailing spouse myself, I am woefully aware of the additional guilt and lack of "productivity" that comes when you stay home without children (you can read about it in another blog post). But I hadn't considered what it would be like to become lost in a similar situation, but by no means the same, when you lose the role of the mother. You have to re-evaluate what you bring to the family, now your children are all grown up and no longer rely on your care.
This subject piqued my interest. I reflected on what this transition might be like for those who aren't trailing spouses. I imagine there is a period of, not only adjustment, but grief at the loss of that primal and key role within the family. Sadness and loneliness of not having the children around. I can envisage a sort of angst, suddenly becoming less busy, and feeling as though there must be something that you've forgotten - life cant possibly be this quiet!
As a trailing spouse, your identity has likely been woven into the roles you’ve played: partner, parent, and the anchor of the family’s expat life. When your children leave home—whether to pursue university, careers, or adventures of their own—you may find yourself in a period of profound transition, almost having to re-adjust to life as a trailing spouse in this new life stage. Completely redesigning life as a trailing spouse as your nest empties can make you feel like your starting from scratch. There will be a shift in your sense of purpose and identity. Let’s explore the challenges and opportunities this life phase can bring, and how you can overcome it with grace for yourself and intention for the future.
Recognising the Emotional Impact
Beyond the loss of your role, this transition can stir up a range of emotions. Pride in your children’s independence might coincide with sadness, loneliness, or a sense of purposelessness. As a trailing spouse, the emotional impact may be heightened. Your family’s expat journey was likely shaped by your children’s needs—choosing schools, making social connections, and establishing routines. Your role during this time will have been significant, being the one at home to manage all these changes and supporting your children through the adjustment. Recognising and processing these emotions is so important. Let yourself feel, reflect, and take the time you need to adjust.
Redefining Your Role
Although it might feel uncomfortable (what change isn't?), this is an opportunity to rediscover what you want your next phase of life as an expat to look like. Ask yourself:
What brings me joy, outside of my family responsibilities?
How can I nurture my personal and professional growth?
What have I always wanted to do but set aside for my family?
What are my current roles outside of motherhood?
This is your time to explore new roles. Whether it’s deepening your career, starting a business, or pursuing hobbies you’ve shelved, the possibilities are exciting and limitless. Don't forget that motherhood is a long and demanding job, so allow yourself some time to breath, enjoy a moment of freedom and quiet, before diving head first into your next challenge!
Building Your Support Network
The absence of your children might amplify feelings of isolation, especially if your expat circle was largely built around school activities and parenting groups. That's not to say those networks no longer exist, but the nature of how you interact with these groups might change. It will take some additional effort to maintain the relationships, as you no longer happen upon each other, as your parenting routines once intermingled.
Now’s the time to widen your support network.
Reach out to those who’ve been through this transition or are in the same stage.
Join groups, classes, or volunteer initiatives in your expat community.
This phase offers a chance to deepen your connection with your significant other, as you're living together alone for the first time in a long, long time.
It's important to know you're not alone, and it might prompt you to reach out to those who you know have transitioned before you, they may well value your contact if they've been struggling too.
Redesigning Life as a Trailing Spouse
This life stage is the perfect time to reassess your priorities as a couple. Do you want to continue expat life, or is it time to settle somewhere new? Does your current lifestyle align with your longer-term goals? Where do you want to be in 2 or 3 years? what would you like to be true at that time?
Taking time to reflect on what truly matters to you is a necessary step in shaping your future. It's so easy to drift without purpose and before you know it, time has passed and you've not progressed in the way you'd hoped.
Getting Support Along the Way
As a coach, I’m here to help you overcome the emotional shifts, rediscover your passions, and create a plan for the future. Together, we'll ensure that this phase is the start of life as you've never known it before. It's time to be a different type of role model to your, newly fledged offspring and show them what living really means.
You’ve dedicated so much of your life to supporting your family, so now, it’s your time to thrive.
Ready to embrace your next chapter? Schedule a session with me today, and let’s get started.
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