As an expat coach, I often hear from individuals who have moved across the globe because of their husband or partner's job, leaving behind their own career, social network, and familiar surroundings. If you are in this situation, you are a trailing spouse and I'm here to spill the tea on the term, what it means for you and give you some pointers on how to cope with the impact on your life and support your mental health and wellbeing.
What Does it Mean to be a Trailing Spouse? - My Story.
When my (now) husband introduced the offer to move abroad with his company, my first concern was "what will I do?" I had a career plan I was following to ease gently from occupational therapist to life coach. The plan involved training as a coach, reducing my time working for the NHS gradually to ensure I had an income and build my business slowly. It felt safe, flexible and unpressured.
The more I thought about the move, the less secure I felt. I had to research if I would even be allowed to work for myself in our new country (UAE) and even after we moved, I hadn't realised the costs involved just to start. As a result, the process for me was extremely challenging and brought up a huge disruption to my own sense of identity and independence. I was 100% reliant on my husband to provide.
After some research, I came across the Trailing Spouse Syndrome and realised I was experiencing many of the symptoms. It was a relief to find out I wasn't alone.
What is Trailing Spouse Syndrome?
Trailing spouse syndrome is a term used to describe the emotional and psychological impact that comes from moving abroad due to a partner's career. While the term "trailing" might sound negative, it simply refers to the reality that your move was primarily driven by your partner's job opportunity. As a result, you may find yourself feeling a mix of emotions—excitement about the new adventure, but also a sense of loss, frustration, or even resentment towards your working partner.
It's important to acknowledge these feelings as completely normal. Uprooting your life and starting anew in a foreign country is a massive adjustment, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed at times and acknowledge that your experience is going to be vastly different to that of your spouse. Recognising that trailing spouse syndrome is a real phenomenon is the first step towards addressing it.
What are the Symptoms of Trailing Spouse Syndrome?
Being a trailing spouse can present various challenges that affect different aspects of your life:
Loss of Identity and Purpose: Leaving your career behind can lead to feelings of loss or emptiness. You may find yourself asking, "Who am I without my job?" or "What is my purpose here?" In addition, you might have had plans for your career that you now need to reconsider.
Dependency: It might be the first time in a long time that you have been dependent on someone, not just financially, but socially and emotionally.
Social Isolation: Moving to a new country often means leaving behind friends and family. You might find it challenging to build a new social network, especially if you're in a country where you don't speak the language fluently. It takes time to develop close friendships.
Cultural Adjustment: Adjusting to a new culture can be both exciting and exhausting. You may find yourself struggling with everyday tasks or feeling out of place in social situations.
Resentment and Relationship Strain: You might see your partner adjusting to life more readily, making social connections at work and retaining their purpose and productivity, which you have lost, leading to feelings of resentment towards them. It's not uncommon for this to put a strain on your relationship, especially if you're also dealing with other emotional challenges.
Depression and Anxiety: Studies have shown that becoming a trailing spouse often leads to depression and anxiety if they are not adequately supported to settle into their new environment.
Loss of Routine, Direction and Ambition: Human beings thrive when we have purpose and productivity. When you move abroad and lose your life challenges, it's easy to lose your sense of self-worth leading to further loss of drive.
Strategies to Overcome Trailing Spouse Syndrome
As your coach, my goal is to help you navigate these challenges and find your footing in your new environment. Here are some strategies that can help:
Redefine Your Identity and Goals: Take this opportunity to explore new interests or rediscover old passions. Whether it's pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or even starting a new career path, focusing on what brings you joy and fulfilment can help you redefine your sense of self.
Build a Support Network: Don't underestimate the power of a supportive community. Connect with other expats or locals who can relate to your experience. Join clubs, attend local events, or participate in online groups to meet like-minded individuals.
Learn the Language and Culture: Immersing yourself in the local culture can help you feel more at home. Take language classes, attend cultural workshops, or simply engage in conversations with locals. Understanding the cultural nuances will make daily life more manageable and enjoyable.
Communicate with Your Partner: Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial. Share your feelings and experiences, and work together to find solutions that benefit both of you before you blow a fuse. Remember, you're a team in this journey, and supporting each other is key to overcoming any challenges.
Create a Safe Space: Transform your home into a place that represents you. whether that means having art on the walls, plants around the place or a cosy spot surrounded by cushions and candles where you can read your favourite books.
Do Your Thing: Love to read, knit, paint or bake? Often hobbies and interests get left behind when you move and this will negatively impact your mental health, so whatever your thing is, make sure you're integrating it it into your life in your new home.
Seek Professional Support: Sometimes, the challenges you're facing might feel too overwhelming to handle alone. Seeking support from a professional coach or counsellor can provide you with the guidance and tools needed to navigate this transition effectively.
Finding Your Path Forward
Remember, trailing spouse syndrome is not a permanent state. It's a phase that many expats go through as they adjust to their new environment. With the right mindset, support, and strategies, you can turn this challenging experience into an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.
As your coach, I'm here to support you every step of the way. Embrace this journey with an open heart and a willingness to adapt. Together, we can find a path that brings you fulfilment, purpose, and joy in your new home. You're not alone in this, and with time, you'll find your place and thrive in this new chapter of your life.
I have developed a tool to help you get started on creating your dream life - Download it FREE here.
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